Back from Vacation

Well I finally took my first vacation with my baby and husband - man, are vacations totally different now with a child in tow. I think I need a vacation from my vacation. Thankfully my husband really thought everything through and got a large hotel suite for us to share opposed to a 300 Sq. ft hotel room - my baby needed to run and he still was going stir crazy.
We went to Vancouver and went during the week opposed during the weekends as well - the border was still long but I can only imagine how it would have been trying to get back through on Labor Day weekend. Funny, that I remember growing up and not needing any documentation to get into Canada - only to get back to US. Now you need a special license or a passport and they really examine the paperwork on both sides of the border now. I guess that's why it takes so long to get through these days.
I have to say Vancouver, B.C. is a beautiful city with great food and entertainment. We went to the P & E festival and spent time at Stanley Park and the Aquarium. My son is 14 months and I could tell he was really enjoying the trip. We would walk around the city in the mornings and listen to street music and watch people, go back have his nap and then set off for the rest of the afternoon. I am truly thankful that I am lucky enough to have the ability to travel and see things and to expose my child to the outside world. I have a wonderful husband that knows I need to get out sometimes.
Yes, it was a very tiring vacation but I have to say I truly did not want come back to work - it made me realize I do want to stay home and be a mom.

Second Chance

So sad about Robin Williams - he made everyone else laugh but he could never make himself happy. I went through a bout of depression many years ago and it was hard to get out of that dark hole. I surrounded myself by negative people and wanted to be anything but myself. No matter how hard I tried to please others, I could never make myself smile. I spent a lot of money on material things thinking if I just had this bag - I would be happy, but "things" don't make up for what you are lacking in life.
I seriously had to hit rock bottom to realize everything that I did have in life. I did go to a mental hospital for 3 days because I didn't know what else to do. I quickly got over myself when I was surrounded by people that were truly mentally ill - I knew I did not belong there and that my life has been truly blessed. I need to take what I had and give back.
I think it took several steps - I had to admit to my parents I was in debt from living outside my lifestyle in New York City, I had to get over the fact that I no longer was living in New York and was now living on the west coast, and that I was 31 and needed to grow up. A big help was my older brother was living here and he and his wife were kind and took me in and gave me something I thought I would never want - a feeling that I could be a mom. They had a two year old at the time and she made my life worth something. She was my little buddy and playmate. Plus I started to meet some good people (positive) that introduced me to great charities and fun events. I started playing softball, going out more and paying off that debt.
I am lucky, I was given a second chance to change - change my behavior and attitude towards life and I try to appreciate it and appreciate all that I have been given by giving back. To me, giving is so much better than receiving. I just wonder sometimes why I was given this chance and others were not. I am thankful every day because today I am happy.

Technology - lost without it today

This is day two of not having my work email or access to all my documents. To say the least, painful. I am trying to keep myself busy but everything leads back to my desktop and I can't help anyone with anything because I can't get to it.

I grew up in the late 70s and 80s - so I did not grow up with computers so why is it my life now revolves around them? I look at my niece who is 10 and she already has an iPhone - I am trying to remember what I even had at 10 - a bike? My parents were parents that let us watch TV and we even had HBO and Cinemax. I think we also had Intellivision as our game system and later my brother got Atari but that wasn't until late 80s. We were hip!

I remember my brother had tons of tapes and you would have to sit and rewind to your favorite song and rewind again to hear it again - and then have to hit fast forward because you went too far back. And the best was recording music off the radio - the quality was so crappy but you got to hear your favorite songs. Let's not even talk about MTV - I would dance to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" every time it came on. I also had the Walkman and the tiny radio with ear phones. Even when I moved to NYC I used a radio to walk to work with - I would listen to Howard Stern in the morning and laugh all 2 miles. I would pass people - and they would say - are you listening to Howard Stern? He was funny back then when he was on the radio - I think that's why I pay for Sirius today.

And yes, I did get the first edition iPod - all 10 lbs of it. I don't even know if people really buy those anymore but I still have several because I had bought the Bose systems that go with the iPod (not the 5 series with the new outlet). They still work but do not play nicely with my Air book so my music is probably 7 years old that is on it. Thankfully I grew up with hippies and most of that music came from the 60's and 70's so I am not listening to horrible 2007 songs.

Ok, I have to figure out who my next meeting is with and what conference room I am supposed to be in. I guess I will go back to a paper calendar after this slight incident. I am so lost this week!

Hoping to find some brain cells in Vancouver, BC

Why can't I remember things like I used to? For example, I swear that my passport expired at the end of this year but my husband and I are planning a trip to Vancouver, BC and I go to get my passport and states EXP. 2013. I always was on top of things like that before. Now instead of going in a few weeks, I have to wait awhile for things to come in the mail. And because I need to change my name, I can't do one of those quick turnaround ones. Oh well - just makes for a grumpy husband.

Another thing is taxes - I would always go Feb. 15th and then I get married and I have an extension on it this year. Trying to get all my husband's information is like pulling teeth. I don't know why he is such a slacker on it - maybe because I forget to remind him when I should be.

I had more brain cells when I lived in NYC and drank every day - I am telling you having a one year old that likes to wake up 4 to 8 times a night is killing what I have left of brain cells. I have one of those kids that doesn't nap either. I remember people saying sleep when your baby sleeps - what 20 mins is supposed to make up for the 3 hours a sleep a day? Some days I am lucky I show up to work with pants on.

I think for a month now I have been trying to bring my little tea pot to work so I don't have to walk 1000 yards to get more hot water. Mommy needs caffeine!! I even stared at it this morning on my kitchen counter - but I had to remember my child, so I forgot the teapot.

If it wasn't for post-it notes (yes, I still use those) - my work life would be a disaster. I post things every where or add things to my calendar to constantly remind me. People are probably wondering why I have so many private appointments during the day but there is no way I am letting people read that I need to remember to eat. Actually that isn't one I have to put on there - I ALWAYS remember to eat.

Back to Vancouver and Vancouver Island. I have been many times to Vancouver and have done the normal touristy things - Stanley Park, Dim Sum, etc. But do people have suggestions that are outside of the box or because they live there, know of secret things? And I have never been to Vancouver Island but I hear it is beautiful this time of year. Do people have suggestions for me - and yes, I will write them down on my post-it notes so I don't forget!

South Africa - most amazing place

A couple of years ago my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I have everything I want material wise - I have my own money so I can buy it on my own. So I had asked him to surprise me with a great vacation...boy did he do a good job.


On Christmas morning we always head over to his parents house that is about 2 hours away and leave our gifts under the tree for just us to open later. We spend most of the day with his parents exchanging gifts and having dinner than we head back to our house. He first had me open a poster - it was a bunch of animals and I thought am I 5? And then he handed me a bunch of books on South Africa. I was so excited.


We used miles to get to London from Seattle so we could do the first class thing and get some sleep on the way. We stayed in London for a few days to get our bodies adjusted to the time difference and to take in some of the atmosphere. It is funny I hadn't been there in about 7 years and everything seemed exactly the same. Although I dragged my husband to some of the "IT" restaurants that I would go to in my 20s and they were just expensive NOT good. The best meal we had was in the international district for some real Chinese food - my husband still talks about that meal.


From London, we took a 12 hour flight to Cape Town. We used all of our miles to get to London so we had to pay for these tickets. I looked at first class and they were $5K a piece and nothing was available in business class. I told my husband, I am not spending $10K on two plane tickets. Well, I think this was the smallest plane in history and my poor husband is NOT a small man (tall wise) and he was absolutely miserable for the entire flight - and he had two seats because the plane was somewhat empty. Let's just say on the way back we ate some money and upgraded.


I wasn't looking forward to Cape Town - I just thought it would be some dirty city with nothing to do - I was so wrong. I think it was one of my favorite places I've ever been to. There is Table Mountain - our hotel room window faced it and it was so magnificent and beautiful. There are great beaches and wineries that we visited, swimming with the sharks (cages, but um - no way for me) and AMAZING food. And I think some people say or think it is unsafe but we took the train out to see the Penguins at this cute little town and took the train back with no problems. Yes, we were in bed by 10 because of the time difference but never did I feel unsafe. I think one of the best things we did was hop on one of those red buses to do a tour because we got to see the other side of the mountain which was even more beautiful. I really can't say enough about Cape Town - I would go again in a heartbeat.


We then went to Mauritius - I am a beach girl and wanted the beach, actually begged for the beach. We couldn't afford Seychelles so we read this was very close to it. We rented a car thinking, oh we will drive around the island and take it all in. We landed at night and to this day I have no clue how we got to the resort and so thankful we didn't end upside down in a sugar cane field. We tried to venture out one day and my husband drove for 10 minutes in complete misery and turned to me and said "I can't do this!" He's a big tough guy so you can only imagine how bad it was. People walking everywhere, cars making it 3 lanes opposed to 2, wild dogs running every where and driving on the wrong side of the road with round-abouts every 5 minutes. So we were stuck on a resort for 5 days - and I had to admit was my least favorite part of the trip.


We then flew into Johannesburg for one day/one night - seemed quite nice opposed to what I had been told but we did not stay out after dark. The food we had was wonderful and the people seemed friendly as well.


Then came the best part of the trip - our safari at Londolozi - I still cannot believe I got to go do this - the place was out of a dream and the food, people, hospitality - superb. My husband and I ended up with a great couple the first couple of days - and we got to see the big 5 within 24 hours. I will always recommend this place to my friends and family and will forever be grateful to my husband for the best surprise.

I just hope with Ebola that people will still dare to travel to S. Africa and see what this place has to offer. One day I hope to travel back with my son to show him what a big world we do live in and how many different creatures exist.

My Brother

Weird how your day can totally change in a single minute. Today wasn't bad - everyone at work had gone to a baseball game and my boss was at a conference so it was a good day at the office. I came home early to take a nap. When I woke up my sister-in-law had texted that my brother tested positive for skin cancer and today he went in to get a bigger chunk out to see if it is melanoma. It is 50/50 chance of being melanoma. My older brother has always taken care of me and now my world just stood still.
I have been spoiled with an older brother who has taken me in when I needed places to live - once when I just graduated college and wasn't sure what I wanted to do and then when I was older and lost. I needed to move out of the city and I didn't know where to go - his wife and him welcomed me with open arms. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be in Seattle now with a wonderful husband and a little boy.
I need to think positive thoughts and hope for the best. I love my brother and he is such a good brother, son, father and husband. Please pray for him.

Dairy and Cigarettes

I remember in my 20s I wouldn't eat dairy at all. I was actually a pain to go out to eat with because I didn't eat this or that and I also had allergies (shellfish and later tomatoes). I was told that dairy builds up mucus and I was running quite often so didn't think those two should go hand in hand. I remember going out with one of my guy friends to dinner and I was like, I don't eat this, I don't like that, etc., etc. and he said to me - you will never get married or even hold a boyfriend for more than 5 minutes if this is how you are going to be. You need to relax about food and enjoy yourself and stop complaining - no man wants to listen to that.


So when I turned 30 - I quit running and picked up ice cream. I also picked up a bad habit - not for very long - but still a horrible habit of smoking. In NYC they were going through changing the laws of smoking inside. I did not smoke but all the COOL people did. So you would be out at a bar or a club and everyone that you wanted to hang out with was outside smoking. I ended up doing the - "if you can't beat them, join them" thing and started smoking.


I was always a great athlete and when I would go home to visit my parents, I would go out with some of my high school buddies. I would then pull out my pack of cigarettes and they would go - I can't believe you smoke, that is disgusting. I smoked for a little over a year it wasn't until I took a trip to Sweden that made me stop. My friend Kat and I were both smokers - we had shared a room due to the price of pretending to be rich and staying at a nice hotel - and we would get notes from the maids to stop smoking in the room. Yes, we were bad. The last night we were there we found this cool little restaurant/club and we sat there from 10 am to 2 am - I think I had a carton of cigarettes that day. The next morning we had to catch a plane back to the states early. I woke up feeling like a cigarette myself and I have to say I don't think I have ever felt worse in my life...and from that day forward I have never smoked another cigarette. Maybe that is the cure - smoke a carton in a day and you'll never want to smoke again!


This post was supposed to be about how much I love dairy and ice cream but turned into something else! My husband does make jokes about me and ice cream. For someone who didn't eat dairy for 5 years - I am sure making up for it. The best flavor is Caramel Sutra - chocolate, vanilla and down the center is caramel...YUM! I don't know which is worse - my pint of ice cream or 10 cigarettes...I know I was a lot thinner when I smoked! (I am kidding I know smoking is horrible for your health).

Decisions

Just as I started to get a routine and some sleep, my husband and I had the conversation about having another child. I am in agreement with him that our son should have a sibling because when we are gone - who does he have? We are older so it won't be like how I grew up - I still have one of my grandmothers and I am 41. Our son will be lucky if his parents are both alive when he's 41.

Getting prepared to do it over again is a bit frightening. I did not mind being pregnant but I had it easy the first time. It was the breastfeeding and trying to work at the same time that was extremely hard on me. I already told my husband, this child will unfortunately not be breastfed as long as our first - that's the biggest thing I struggled with. And yes, you have to give up food during pregnancy but I found breastfeeding was 10x harder - my son was not happy with half of the things I would eat and so I think my diet was down to bread.

I am a bit afraid of being a stay at home mom as well, I was excited to take a year off next year but my husband said, if we have another - it will most likely be four years. Four years of not being in the work force is a long time - what would I go back and do? I am so afraid of how fast technology is changing that I would be so far out of the "know" that no one would want to hire a stay at home mom. And I have been used to being paid a pretty high salary - so going from that to $0 is scaring me.

I know that being older this time around will be a bit more difficult to get pregnant so I can't get all my ducks in a row thinking this is how it is going to be but I want to be prepared if it does happen. I may look to do 20 hours a week job after the first year just so I have some life - but the pay has to be more than I pay someone to watch my children...I guess I have over a year to figure it all out. I am just thankful that I can have this option in my life.

When did things start to get so expensive?

Why are jeans so expensive? I typically spend on the average $125 per pair which is absolutely absurd. Yes, I still buy them and have probably 30 pairs - but when did jeans become the "IT" thing to buy? When I was growing up it was either Lees or Levis - oh and Vidal Sasson if you were really cool. I think my mom would spend maybe $20 on a pair in the 80s. Then Calvin Klein came along and Gap and the cost went up to $45...but then when I was about 26 they all skyrocketed to be over $100.

I would start wearing my "fancy" jeans to work and if someone made a comment, I would say - um, these cost more than your entire outfit so shush it. But I felt I had to wear them because I did spend so much money on them.

And then next came the yoga pants. Lululemon, yes I love thee, but really $135 for a pair of pants that I supposed to work out in? They do last a long time but I do feel guilty every time I buy a pair because I know how much I really work out...

And when did white t-shirts start costing $35 - I use to buy them for $5! I think that's why I still love Old Navy because if you hit one of those sales - man you can get a bathing suit, flip flops and a fleece for $25. Yes, it will fall apart in a few months but for summer gear that you just go through, that's fine by me.

I think all those years of living in NYC caught up to me - all that money I wasted buying expensive things and not having anything to show for it has turned me into a whiny lady. When I moved to Seattle I was so excited for Target because I couldn't believe I didn't have to pay $8 for a four roll thing of toilet paper. Then I discovered TJ Maxx - wow, I love that store.

Sorry I am ranting about clothing today, I had to buy my 1 year old a pair of sneakers today and went into shock when I had to pay $35 for something he'll probably wear for a month. I don't even know if I pay $35 for a pair of my own shoes (TJ Maxx!!)

Are there any good movies today?

Has anyone seen any good movies lately? I have not. I love Redbox but lately it's not even worth the $1.50. I think that the last good one was Captain Phelps but I don't know if I have ever seen Tom Hanks in a bad movie.

I remember years ago when I was living on the Upper East side, I came home from Montauk late at night. I rounded the corner to my block and it was all blocked off with fire trucks and police and I could see smoke coming from a building near my apartment. I think I was 23, so this way before being smart enough to purchase renters insurance, so I had a bit of a melt down that I had lost everything in a fire. Then, as I walked closer, I could see this spot light shining down on the street and I was wondering why all these normal clothed people were hanging around with walkie-talkies...well, it then clicked that they were filming on my street for the movie 15 Minutes and all of this was just a movie set. I told myself I better pay more attention next time to all the fliers and signs on the street so I don't have a heart attack from a non-existent fire. And yes, that was another movie that was a big fail.

I truly believe reality TV has ruined the movie industry as well - everyone gets excited for movies like Sharknado 2 - really?? Ugh - I guess I am way too old for this generation. My top five movies of all time are: The Graduate (hello, Mrs. Robinson!), Seven (I love that it is Gwyneth's head), Predator (long story), The Strangers (my husband haunts me with this movie every Halloween), and Love Actually (yes, corny but LOVE it).

Let me know if you've seen anything good lately - I am in dire need of a good movie.

I like to spend money

I thought that if I moved away from NYC I would not have my shopping disease - but I still do. It may be a little different - no more gowns, $22 drinks, ridiculous bags and shoes - but man, is it easy buying online these days.

Sometimes I will be in the hallway and go, I need...and I go to my computer and login to my go-to online store - http://www.amazon.com - when you have the prime account and most everything ships for free the next day, why wouldn't I go there? I wish I liked people more but Costco freaks me out - I think it's the parking lot more than anything - no one knows how to park and they are all too busy looking for a parking spot that I have had to dodge a few cars - no thank you. So now I just order that stuff online as well - toilet paper in bulk - no problem, diapers in bulk - no problem. Although it is a bit embarrassing when you get home and there is a big Charmin box on your front porch. Oh well. My husband has gotten to the point that he is surprised when there isn't an amazon box on our porch.

The other site that is great for when you have little ones is http://www.zulilly.com - I buy so many things from there because stupid me downloaded the App on my phone. When I am bored - I don't play games on my phone - I go to this site to see what the deal of the day is. It is such unique, fun things for my son - and I've even bought myself some cool things as well. It is not cheap quality so it is not dirt cheap but well worth it. The only issue is that the shipping takes quite a long time and then I forgot that I bought something and then when it comes - I am like when did I buy this? But some can say it is a bit like Christmas then...ha!

My husband and I have been talking about me taking a year off next year but I need to save money in order to do so and so far with these two sites I may be working for the next 20 years...ugh. But at least it is no longer booze I am spending money on like I did in my 20's - it's toilet paper!

Monday and I am actually happy

I love when you have a great weekend - Monday morning doesn't seem so bad. Plus it is sunny outside so  -- double my happiness.

Well I made it through the week without crying about not being able to attend the family reunion, now I know I made the right choice by staying home. I just have such fond memories of Montauk and some great stories. Montauk used to be the tiny little fishing town - my dad said it is all NYC young kids now, so maybe it is better to remember how great a place is opposed to finding out how much it has changed (not for the better).

I lived in NYC and my friend Jenny and I would hop on a train or take the Jitney out to Montauk every weekend and stay with either my Aunt Maureen or Aunt Mary (yes, freeloaders!) One weekend, a friend of ours invited us to a party on the Beach in Amagansett and we went. There were all these women running around with their tops off - and my friend Jenny said, "ugh, look at these chicks, watch this - I'm going to go bottomless..." And she did, and if you know Jenny - it was quite amusing and funny. I bet everyone who was there still talks about it to this day - I know I do.

I think it was that same weekend that we decided to go out for a walk on the beach at night and we were with our friend Jon. There were all these kids down there with bomb fires and we heard - "ew, old people." Of course we turned around and started to look for these "old people" - come to find out we were the OLD PEOPLE!! I think we were 29 or something like that. Can't imagine walking down there now - they'd think I was a senior citizen.

I will always love Montauk and I do hope I get to share that magical place with my son soon but right now my home and life is in Seattle. It may be a little boring but it is where my heart is and of course the loves of life. I will always have stories - and I've got a million of them.

Missing my family

This week is my family reunion in Montauk, NY. I had purchased the airline tickets for myself, my husband and my one year old son back in February. I also rented a house with my parents and brother and his family which is not cheap in the summer. I have not seen my extended family since 2009 (my first marriage) and was very excited to see everyone.

I live in Seattle and it is only me that lives here regarding family so it can be very lonely especially with a new baby. I am from the East Coast and life on the west is so different and sometimes I struggle - I am not always PC or aware that I am upsetting someone's feelings - I guess its all those years living in NYC where you had to be tough to survive. So I don't have the closest friends here and I think people do need to know you when you were in your 20s to really know you and I wasn't living here. Well, I had no clue my husband would be dead set against our son getting on a plane at a year old. I fought and cried about it and let's just say I lost or gave up fighting. It breaks my heart but I don't think my husband will ever understand what my family means to me. They took care of me when I lived in NYC - they were my safe haven when things were too overwhelming in the city - he doesn't have that closeness to his family. I love my aunts, my uncles, all of my cousins, my grandmother and then all of their friends. I think one of the biggest reasons I wanted to go is that I wanted him to see what he's been keeping me and our son from. I will always be East Coast but I married a West Coaster who doesn't like to fly!

So this week I am living through FB posts and hoping my family will Photoshop me and my son in all the pictures. Maybe next year we will take the time and DRIVE cross-country. It was very hard for me to not take my son and run but I realized I would eventually have to come home...not worth that!

There's something around your shoe

I must be getting old - everything hurts this morning. I can't move my shoulder or my neck and all I want to do is pop painkillers to make it go away. Unfortunately I can't do that because I work at a corporation and I then have to take care of a one year old. Although being sore (from NOT working out) and being tired (I have a child that refuses to sleep at night) has made my brain turn to mush. I swear at least once a week I forget to zip up my pants and I walk around the halls like HELLO. And I think it would be more often if I didn't wear dresses the four other days of the week. It does remind me of one of the funniest stories I heard from a friend of mine many years ago - thankfully it was about her not me...

Jenny back in the day was a big publicist but I big partier - I think those two go hand in hand - well she woke up late one morning and needed to be at work by 9 so she grabbed a pair of pants that were on her floor and a shirt she found. She walked 20 blocks and then got on a subway - went to a meeting where she had to present. She said during her presentation to these two men, they were constantly giggling and thought she had seen tears come out of one of the guys eyes. She wasn't sure if it was her presentation but she didn't think she was that funny. After she was done and was headed to go back to her office, one of the guys pulls her aside and said, "Look down". As she did, she saw a pair of her underwear wrapped around her shoe. How Jenny is, she said - "well thank goodness it isn't a pair of my period underwear!" She said of course she was mortified and ran to her office and sat in a chair and laughed to herself and thought I walked, got on a subway - how long have those things been wrapped around there??

So I guess we all have stupid things that happen - let's just say I always check my pants for dirty underpants!

Happy Friday

Funny how a day can make a difference in your life. Feeling so much better than the other day when everyone and everything seemed to crash down at once. Maybe because today is Friday??? haha.

As you can tell, not focusing on what I should be - which is work - but I guess everyone is allowed to float off into space for 30 minutes during the day. Plus, now that I am a 40 year old mom, nice not to do something. I never thought lazy me would be able to accomplish what I have done in the past 20 years. In my mind, I am pretty successful, have a great man in my life that does love me unconditionally (yes, I drive him crazy quite often too), have a little boy that I never thought I would ever have and great parents (and brother). I have to always remember those things when I get down. Funny I was reading about post partem and did not know one of the side effects is anger. I now think I had post Partem depression because I can't tell you how much anger and anxiety I had when I went back to work. I would cry in my closet they supplied me to pump milk - and I just thought it was from being tired - but I was so angry as well. I hated everyone and everything - I thought it was the job but I once I stopped breast feeding - my whole anxiousness went away...I did, also change jobs...haha.

Sleep...

This sleep deprivation thing is catching up to me. I thought at 4 months, Chase not sleeping was the norm but now that he is getting to be almost 14 months and still waking up several times a night - it's getting old. I love that kid like nothing else but his momma is getting tired. I work 40 hours a week, I try to cook and clean and do other things like take Chase for walks after work or play on the playground - but the energy level is getting low. I now know why people have children in their 20's because getting 5 hours a sleep every day is not fun. Last night I think I got 2 hours - I honestly have great respect for single moms.

I guess yesterday when I was getting home from work a plane flew over and Chase pointed and said plane. He doesn't really say much so I was so bummed I missed that. So I am struggling with missing all these moments because I work but can I just stay home and not earn my own keep? I don't know these days...

Speaking of planes, so tragic about the missile hitting the passenger plane yesterday. Scares me that Chase may not be raised in the same type of world I was brought up in. Yes, there was always fighting in the middle east and yes, I was in NYC when 9/11 occurred - but this feels so different. I honestly don't believe we are the powerhouse we used to be and things are changing.

Blah days

Do you ever just want to quit? Do a "Calgon take me away"? Well I am having one of those days and everything seems to be going wrong. I want to run away from it all (except my child). I live so far away from everyone that knows me and loves me that I am struggling to stay strong and "happy". I know my life is supposed to revolve around my little family but I need more in my life. And recently, I have found out that I am not making one of the two people that are in my life happy - which is heartbreaking for me because to me I give 150% of myself and give up on things I know I shouldn't.
I do really want to know where my backbone went and how other women get their husbands to move so they are closer to their families. Mine won't even let me go on vacation with my child to see mine. Ridiculous if you ask everyone - but I don't know how to say I am going and there is nothing you can do about it.

And then there is work...I think about not working, but I have never not worked and not sure how my mind would react - or my husband for that matter. I know taking care of a child is a big commitment and will take up my time, but will I be happy? A few months back I thought if I changed jobs  - maybe that would make me happy - but honestly, it hasn't. Yes, I am learning new things but I am not excited for what I do. I know a very small percentage of people "love what they do" but I wanted to at least "like" working. My mind just goes back to the little boy that I dropped off this morning who didn't want to let go of me. Makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing with my life.

I know I am not the only one that goes through this on a daily basis, but today was just one of those really crushing days. I know I am lucky to have the life I have and I should be thankful - which I am - but I wish I had a little fire left.

From the beginning

So the truth - no, I was never a real rock star but if you asked me in 2002, my ego would have said YES.  I moved to NYC when I was 23, or to age myself, in 1997. My friend Allison had gotten a job in NYC and she needed a roommate - I, was in, but my dad - not so much since my parents had to be our guarantor. He said no, I cried and 24 hours later, I got a yes. If only husbands worked liked dads (we will get to that reference later).

And so the journey to becoming a "rock star" began. I think my young, poor as poor days were the best years living in the city. Allison and I moved into an apartment on the upper east side with an air mattress (my bed), a futon (her bed) and another roommate who thankfully had a couch and a tv. Allison would mock me all the time about my bed - "you know if there is a flood, you'll be safe and can just float away" - I guess she was so fancy with her used futon!! We did also bring in a green chair from off the street to really step up our apartment. I still can't believe Al and I carried it up five flights of stairs (oh yes, did I mention five story walk-up) and that was one of our prized pieces of furniture.

I was a very sheltered child, my parents did about everything for me so I never really had to grow a backbone and just do it myself. When I moved to NY, it was a tough first couple of months. I needed to get a job and I had to take the subway. After my interview I took the subway to uptown and all of a sudden it became an express - I ended up in Harlem. I didn't know that I could walk across the platform and take it back downtown so instead I started walking home - one of the scariest walks home ever. I would get lost all the time and I would go to a pay phone and call Allison (before cell phones) - I remember one time I was so lost in West Village and she said "figure it out" and hung up on me. I spent so much money on cabs that first year, see how well I figured it out. But I did grow up and that city made me strong and I will always be thankful for it.

We had a deli on the corner from our apartment that made the best chicken sandwiches - not sure if I went back today I would still think that since we always ate them at 4 am. We had some great stories that came from that deli and the Bear Bar that was next door. Back in those days NY still had ladies night and Allison and I would map out ladies nights throughout the city - hey, free food and booze. The young and poor days were fun and very far from the life I would lead there is just a few short years. I will continue the story soon...