Second Chance

So sad about Robin Williams - he made everyone else laugh but he could never make himself happy. I went through a bout of depression many years ago and it was hard to get out of that dark hole. I surrounded myself by negative people and wanted to be anything but myself. No matter how hard I tried to please others, I could never make myself smile. I spent a lot of money on material things thinking if I just had this bag - I would be happy, but "things" don't make up for what you are lacking in life.
I seriously had to hit rock bottom to realize everything that I did have in life. I did go to a mental hospital for 3 days because I didn't know what else to do. I quickly got over myself when I was surrounded by people that were truly mentally ill - I knew I did not belong there and that my life has been truly blessed. I need to take what I had and give back.
I think it took several steps - I had to admit to my parents I was in debt from living outside my lifestyle in New York City, I had to get over the fact that I no longer was living in New York and was now living on the west coast, and that I was 31 and needed to grow up. A big help was my older brother was living here and he and his wife were kind and took me in and gave me something I thought I would never want - a feeling that I could be a mom. They had a two year old at the time and she made my life worth something. She was my little buddy and playmate. Plus I started to meet some good people (positive) that introduced me to great charities and fun events. I started playing softball, going out more and paying off that debt.
I am lucky, I was given a second chance to change - change my behavior and attitude towards life and I try to appreciate it and appreciate all that I have been given by giving back. To me, giving is so much better than receiving. I just wonder sometimes why I was given this chance and others were not. I am thankful every day because today I am happy.